reflecting on belief

"So my advice is this — don’t look for proofs. Don’t bother with them at all. They are never sufficient to the question, and they’re always a little impertinent, I think, because they claim for God a place within our conceptual grasp. And they will likely sound wrong to you even if you convince someone else with them. That is very unsettling over the long term. “Let your works so shine before men,” etc. It was Coleridge who said Christianity is a life, not a doctrine, words to that effect. I’m not saying never doubt or question. The Lord gave you a mind so that you would make honest use of it. I’m saying you must be sure that the doubts and questions are your own, not, so to speak, the mustache and walking stick that happen to be the fashion of any particular moment." -Gilead by Marilynne Robinson

I don't know if I have much more to add to this except to say that everyone, believer or not, needs to go read this book. I picked it up this morning and didn't put it down until I finished. 

Reading, Listening, Watching #1

Once again, I've gone some time without blogging (where has 2015 gone?!?!). Since I've been completely absorbed in some great books/albums/films/television shows lately, I thought I'd just share what I've been enjoying the last few months.

What I'm Reading:

Photo credit: Amazon

Just Kids is Patti Smith's memoir about living in New York City with fellow artist and friend Robert Mapplethorpe during the 1960's and 70's. She meets the likes of Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and William Burroughs, and reflects on these experiences that shaped her into the poet, visual artist, and musician that she later became. It's probably one of the best books I've ever read. Seriously. Patti Smith has a way of sharing her experiences that feels as if she is sitting right next to you. She paints a vivid picture of the emerging punk rock scene in NYC and how people go their separate ways over the span of a lifetime. It's beautiful and brilliant.

I've also really been enjoying Meg Wolitzer's 2013 novel The Interestings which also is set largely in NYC and revolves around six characters who meet at a camp for talented youth. Wolitzer starts off the novel by introducing what seem like super cliché characters, but slowly she reveals the facets of each person that make the really complex and somewhat despicable. It's great. 

Photo credit: Goodreads

What I'm Listening to:

Laura Marling came out with her fifth album, Short Movie, in March. So of course that's what I've been listening to non-stop. If you know me well, you know I absolutely love her music. She's mainly a folk singer with killer classical guitar skills and poetic lyrics. But her new album is a bit more alt-rock (only a bit) with her typical breathy voice and a lot of American high desert feelings. Perfect music for a road trip. [Also I did an album review for Westmont's newspaper which you can read here.]

Photo credit: Pitchfork

I've also started listening to (reading?) The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins. It was released in January 2015 and has been highly acclaimed as "the next Gone Girl." So clearly I had to give it a shot. I'm not sure if I'd go so far as to claim that for myself, but it's definitely giving off an über creepy vibe.

Photo credit: Goodreads

What I'm Watching: 

I really love miniseries. And at the recommendation of more than one person, I gave the British series (not the American reproduction) Broadchurch a chance. I was not disappointed. The first season is only 8 episodes, but they are so engrossing you will want to binge-watch it. And you can because it's on Netflix. It follows the idyllic, seaside town Broadchuch as it deals with the death of Danny Latimer, a young boy who was possibly murdered. David Tennant plays a grouchy detective from Scotland who screwed up on a previous murder case and is here to save his own skin and catch the killer. 

Photo credit: BBC America

And of course I've been watching Tina Fey's new Netflix original series Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Since it came out in early March, I've actually seen all of the episodes twice. I couldn't resist binge-watching that one when it first came out, and then rewatched episodes with friends as they watched it for the first time. It's hilarious and bizarre and totally 30 Rock, so if you liked that one or quirky, Fey humor at all, you should give it a shot.

Photo credit: The New Yorker

Well this was fun. I love hearing what other people are reading/watching/listening to, so let me know your recent favorites.

Until next time,

Max

On chance encounters.

A few months back, I took a photo of my friend at a coffee shop downtown. Later when I posted it on Instagram, someone commented about how their friend was in the background of my shot. 

Do you ever stop and wonder how many photos you're in the background of?

How many strangers, while showing off their vacation albums to family and friends, see you in the background? Maybe they wonder where you are right now, what you're doing at this moment. 

These little glimpses of random passersby, of accidental memories trapped forever in someone else's photo, amaze me. 

I like to think of my life as a collection of these moments. A conglomerate of interactions I have with strangers who can become friends that then start to feel like family. And sometimes, if those snapshots don't fully develop, they fade away leaving a mere imprint on my mind of someone vaguely passing through. 

In my favorite book, Jonathan Safran Foer's Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, the young Oskar Schell goes on his own journey, making memories with a multitude of strangers that changes his life forever. And every time I get to the climax (I won't spoil it, so go read it now) without fail, I get chills. Because to me there's something remarkable about this raw, honest moment between two complete strangers finding one another. 

There's a memory I often turn to, when I reflect on my time spent in Ireland, of a solo hike I took one weekday afternoon. I trekked the 7km trail between Greystones and Bray for a few hours of solitude, enjoying the cliff side scenery, and in a moment of surprise stumbled upon a herd of horses. 

Horses on Bray Head (click to expand)

I also met a woman at the top of the mountain. We didn't speak, except for a casual nod of the head to acknowledge one another. But for ten minutes or so we stood silently atop the hillside, just feet away from the horses. I was breathless and overwhelmed by the horses' beauty, but also now, thinking back, I'm amazed by the brief moment I shared with that woman. 

Sometimes I wonder if she thinks about it, if she even remembers me or more often she recalls the sweeping manes of the horses and their strong limbs. How the huddled around with each other, chomping away at the mossy cliffside. How the wind swept up and they shook their tails. Then, how I huddled under my hood, and she under her umbrella, as the soft day turned to a heavier rain, and we shuffled off down the mountainside to take the train back into town. 

"My life story is the story of everyone I've ever met," Oskar's grandma says. And I've come to learn that even some of the seemingly insignificant moments of life can absorb you and spit you out a changed person, altered by the interaction with another human being, even if only for a short while.

The Opposite of Samson

In 2007, Britney Spears left her one-day stint in rehab and shaved her head at a Los Angeles hair salon. It's a notorious event that serves as the butt of many jokes.

Today, well technically yesterday as I'm writing this, I got my haircut. It was the first time I'd had it cut since last August. Thats almost five months ago. A lot happens in five months.

And as I sat in the cracked leather chair today with the red cape draped over my chest and arms, feeling like Superman in reverse, I realized something.

There is a relief in change, especially at your own hands. 

I mean, there is really something powerful about taking control of your surroundings, of your life, even if that boils down to simply your choice of haircut.

Maybe Britney wigged out a bit...I had to, sorry. But when your life is in shambles, you seek desperately for control.

My life, thankfully, in no way resembles Spears's. Phew. But there was something so sweet and refreshing in getting my hair cut today after months of letting it grow out. I didn't rip the shears out of her hands and cut it myself. Instead, I sat there, and I thought about everything I've learned since the end of last summer.

I thought about everything I learned in San Francisco. I thought about what I learned in my classes last semester. I thought about the experiences I've had living in a house with six other guys, the books I've read, about friendships and family, and I thought about the future.

And what I thought about most, what kept popping into my head, was how I felt like the opposite of Samson. How when he lost his hair, he broke down. He became weak, and he lost all control of his life.

It's funny how such a small thing, a fine alteration in your life, can completely change your perspective. All I did today was shed a few pounds of hair (it's really thick, you guys). But since I'm not Superman, and I'm definitely not Samson, losing my hair isn't a kryptonite.

It's been a new year for a week now, but today feels like a new start. I'm ready for 2015 now more than ever, and I sure hope it beats Britney's 2007.

It's about time...

As per usual, it's been a few month since I last posted. And can I get more cliché than posting on New Year's Eve to talk about my goals for the next year? Maybe if I had a Pumpkin Spice Latte in hand and was listening to Shake It Off for the umpteenth time.

Anyway, 2014 in review:
-Turned 21 years old
-Spring Sing directing, a.k.a. four weeks of hell on earth but totally worth it
-Summer internship in San Francisco
-Moving into a new house with six other guys
-Lots and lots of reading
-A variety of concerts and movies and good books

So while it wasn't the most thrilling year, it was a really great one, and a year of growth. I feel older now, in the best way possible. Next year I will be graduating and who knows what will happen after that?! (Hopefully spend a year abroad...Ireland, maybe?).

I don't really like making resolutions because I never keep them. But I will make a few New Year commitments.

1. Keep reading. If you know me, you know I always have a book in hand. In 2015 I want to read more diversely. I'm not much for non-fiction, so I'm going to push myself to read more of it. Also short story collections. (Books I loved this year? Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng, The Opposite of Loneliness by Marina Keegan, and Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel. If you want more, just ask!)

2. Find new music. I want to find a new album every week and listen to it from start to finish. If you have recommendations for up-and-coming artists or old favorites, let me know!

3. Send letters. I did this a little bit in 2014 and really enjoyed it! If you want to exchange letters and pictures or drawings the old snail mail way, let me know!

4. Blog more? I'm really bad at this stuff, but I've been also meaning to get into writing in general more (poetry, short fiction, essays, etc.). I'll try, that's all I can say!

5. Enjoy the moment. Each and every one of them. Try new things. And say 'yes' a bit more.

These are my simple, non-restrictive New Year commitments. Tell me yours! Let's try and keep each other accountable.

I hope everyone had as great a 2014 as I did, and here's to a new start tomorrow!

Until next time,
Max

Reflections on another time, another place.

The last month, to say the least, has been a blur. It's been that camera shutter, held open, slipping through my fingers, as palpable and yet unattainable as running water. I don't find time enough to sit and think and evaluate my actions, but instead I let them whisk me away from reality and find myself traversing new obstacles and challenges, leaving the old ones ignored and unresolved.

In the past two years, I've arguably experienced more than I had experienced in my first nineteen years. I've lived in another country, and come back. I've pulled my hair out trying to balance academics, social life, the dreaded extracurriculars, and important personal time (which, I've mentioned, I unfortunately neglect first of the above commitments). And most recently I've spent time in a big city, doing 'big' things, and making 'big' plans for my future, post-grad. 

But then, routine comes along again, making it possible and, albeit, desirable to become complacent in regularity. I dislike regularity for its boring-ness. And yet, as I'm sure most humans do, I love its predictability. I know when I'll be where and what I'll be doing when I am there. I choose to believe that everything will go according to plan, even when secretly I know that almost nothing ever goes exactly as it should.

And then time passes me by, waving at me, maybe secretly laughing at my ignorance to its passing, and I find myself two weeks into my final year of schooling, and finally stopping, reflecting, and remembering moments of importance from these past few years.

So for the sake of resisting my own 'rückkehrunruhe,' let me name a few:

• dancing in an utter downpour of rain while The National plays "Bloodbuzz Ohio" in concert
• riding lime-green traincars, Greystones-Dublin, Dublin-Greystones, with views of the Irish Sea
• surprising friends on a weekend trip to their university and freezing my butt of in the midwest
• the best overnight stay ever, in Downhill, N. Ireland (see above photo)
• more concerts: The Lumineers, The Head & the Heart, Gotye, Bon Iver, Civil Wars, and Milo Greene (four times, is it now?)
• losing myself in stories, in books, and finding my own way of learning and experiencing the world
• biking through Golden Gate Park and eating my weight in ice cream
• falling in love with the PNW
• and most importantly, making the best friends in the most unlikely of circumstances

It's not all been Instagrams and postcards, but there have been many memories that I need to put down in words, to remind myself there are more extraordinary things everyday than one might at first recognize. So while it may be blur, I'll take it as is because I wouldn't give up this fuzzy mess of experiences for anything.

Until next time,
Max

Face to Face vs. Facebook: A Reflection on a 30 Day Social Media Fast

Recently I watched a Ted Talks from Matt Cutts on trying something new for just 30 days. I stumbled upon it towards the beginning of the school year and decided to give it a go. My goal was to eliminate all social media platforms from my life (computer AND iPhone) for 30 days.

For me that list of banned websites and apps included Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Vine and any other time-wasters that I saw as distracting from my day-to-day tasks.

Now I had many motives for facing this challenge, quitting these addictive sites cold-turkey for a whole month, when the longest I had gone away from any of them was about two weeks or so at most. Mainly I knew that this semester particularly was going to be quite challenging (as it has proved itself to be), and I needed all the time I could to focus and put all my energy into my studies, since I am first and foremost a student. But I also saw my constant need for interaction with others via these platforms to become quite obsessive and, dare I say, unhealthy. I began to reflect on how I, like a lot of other people my age, in this technologically ridden society, are incessantly checking a text message, notification, message, tweet, etc. and I had also gotten caught up in that. I began to neglect personal interactions, conversations in person with the much-dreaded eye contact. So I tucked away my applications in a separate folder not to be touched, deleted the bookmarks on my web browser for my favorite sites, and embarked on a little experiment, a social media fast.

So the month began, and it flew by. Who knew living life without constant attention to what is being said and done around me could be so full (said in irony)! True, I did miss easily chatting with friends here or there, but it taught me to be much more deliberate in contacting people, talking to them on the phone, and reaching out with genuine interest and not casual remarks via Facebook chat.

An obvious plus was the amount of time I was not wasting behind the computer. I had time to reflect at the end of my day, instead of wasting it mindlessly scrolling through a newsfeed or picture roll. I wrote more in a journal and thoughtfully considered how I was feeling some days, addressing certain issues coming into my life, instead of pushing them out of my mind by turning to others’ lives.

I focused much more on what I was studying on my free time. This year so many of my classes are integrative with one another; I’m finding a lot of common themes among my classes that are interesting to consider in daily life as well. It’s been a month of growth, not in leaps and bounds, but small steps that are just the beginning of a life less in tune with constant attention and interaction with others, and more retrospective and introspective looks at my place in the bigger picture.

On top of all that I got to experience a lot of great things. I went to two concerts and two plays with my friends and classmates. I survived an insanely intense few weeks (perhaps the busiest of my college career) of papers, presentations, midterms and speeches. And looking back on my thoughts at the time of such hectic, frenzied activities I can see how I overcame these obstacles, and see the growth that comes out of hard times.

Another thing that I came to realize in my time away from things like Facebook and Twitter, is that with those things in my life I compare myself a LOT to other people. I think that is already an innate human trait, to examine what others are doing “right” or “better” and how you can be doing the same thing in your own life. Personally that does not produce a whole lot of good, but it instead robs me of my individuality, my way of approaching life, and learning experiences. So away from seeing constantly what others are doing, seeing, thinking, experiencing, I was able to focus on how I do life.

And now that September is over, my social media fast is officially ended. But I am definitely considering doing it again, or perhaps utilizing that restraint in daily life by having self-control with these social media sites.

I’ve come to appreciate so much just living life in the moment instead of constantly thinking about how to share it with others via all these social media platforms. I can enjoy the moment, stress less about how to present myself to others, and ultimately save a lot of time wasted on these unproductive sites. Granted there are some great things about them as well, heck, I’m all for a good Instagram, and I do think these sites are great ways to stay in contact with distant friends. However, I ultimately think ‘fasting’ from social media has given me a better sense of self-control, boundaries and restraints in using these sites in everyday life. So it is something to think about if you feel like you are spending obscene amounts of time on the internet and not experiencing life as fully as you could be. What will you try for the next 30 days?

Until next time,

Max